Every now and then, I find myself thinking back to my past as an unfaithful partner, and when that happens, I realize that now I feel much freer and more at peace every time I feel like taking a trip across the border to an FKK or enjoying a pleasant massage with a happy ending. I clearly remember that when I used to live with my ‘almost-wife’, it was really complicated to organize trips to cross-border sex clubs with friends, just as it was to meet up with a Loft girl for an hour or maybe an old hookup friend in the mood for some craziness. And in these situations, the underlying problem we face whenever we decide to enjoy a little fling is always the same: ‘Coming Up with a Convincing Story to Tell Your Partner.’ The thing is, to carve out the necessary time and avoid raising suspicion—or even worse, getting caught—what you need is always a good excuse, backed by a justification that’s at least believable if something unexpected comes up. That’s why I decided to share with you these ten ‘Wife-Proof Alibis’ that I’ve personally used several times when I needed to, or that I’ve helped pull off as an accomplice to cover for friends in trouble.
…But now let’s stop fucking around and see what these ten (almost)infallible alibis are.
1 – Friends:
Your best resource by far—especially for one- or two-day escapades—is having one or more trusted friends (even better if they’re also married and above suspicion, just like you). The “Friend” option is incredibly versatile; you could call it a wildcard that works in many situations and comes with endless variations. It’s a resource of immeasurable value—so hold on to your friends, always.
2 – Snow:
Are you into skiing or snowboarding? Perfect—you’re already ahead, since a quick ski trip with friends is always a solid excuse. Obviously, this only works if you’re heading somewhere easily reachable by car and if there’s actually a ski resort nearby (don’t try to use the “skiing” excuse and then hop on a plane to Frankfurt^^).
Naturally, if your significant other is a hardcore winter sports fan, this alibi might be tricky—or even totally counterproductive. But if she hates the cold and isn’t into snow, here are some useful tips:
Don’t forget parts of your gear at home (sounds dumb to mention, but it has happened). Unless you’re actually hitting the slopes, try to at least snap some photos near snow, wearing ski gear or holding a snowboard. Before heading back, throw a bit of snow (or just water, if snow’s hard to find) into your gear bag and stuff your used socks into your boots to add that realistic touch.
Always check the lift schedules and ticket prices so your story adds up, and agree on a few funny stories with your buddies before you get home. Bonus tip: if you decide to rent a camper, it makes everything even easier—you avoid potential speeding tickets or location-based fines that could blow your cover (because if you say you went skiing in the Alps and then a ticket shows up from Villach or Feldkirchen in Kärnten, that could raise a few eyebrows^^).
3 – Local Festivals:
If you’re passionate about wine, cheese, beer, or food in general, you’re in luck—both in northern Italy and abroad, there are tons of food and wine events every year. Whether it’s a simple wine tasting, a week-long “open cellars” event, beer festivals in Germany or Austria, or local village fairs that can last several days, the key here is credibility: don’t suddenly turn into a sommelier, master brewer, or the next Master Chef overnight. You should’ve shown at least a passing interest in the subject beforehand to make the story believable.
As always, having a few trusted friends with you is essential for pulling this off (unless, of course, you really are one of those professionals). If the event you’re “attending” doesn’t even exist on your radar, you’ll need to take some precautions to sell the story. Do some solid research online so that if you get questioned later, your cover doesn’t fall apart.
Also, it helps to stop somewhere and pick up a couple of bottles of wine or some local specialties from the place you were supposed to have visited. These can often be found even in highway rest stops if you don’t have time to shop locally. Naturally, this whole plan falls apart if your partner happens to share your “sudden” foodie enthusiasm—in that case, the excuse is likely to raise more questions than it answers.
4 – “All Guys” Weekend:
The main requirement here is having a tight-knit group of friends (ideally all married as well) and a partner who isn’t overly controlling and actually trusts you (poor thing). The rest is up to your imagination, preferences, opportunities, and personal habits.
As mentioned before, the key is agreeing on a shared story before heading back, so everyone has the same, believable version of events—ideally with at least one standout anecdote to shift the focus in case of an unexpected round of “friendly interrogation” from wives or girlfriends.
The downside of this excuse is that it’s hard to use more than once or twice a year without raising eyebrows—but hey, once or twice is better than nothing.
5 – Hobbies:
This simple and common excuse is incredibly flexible—it can even be used for long-distance trips to foreign trombodromi (yes, we’re still calling them that) that require a flight to reach within a reasonable timeframe. You can use big events like the Frankfurt Auto Show or the Cologne Motorcycle Show as your cover—just to name a couple of the most well-known ones. A football match featuring your favorite team playing away from home also works well (as long as you’re at least a semi-believable fan).
The trick is to pick something your partner doesn’t like and that she knows you’re genuinely into. As long as you’ve got at least one friend to back you up, you’re good to go (and, bonus: in many FKK sauna clubs, you can actually watch live matches on TV).
Having hobbies is also useful when you just want to sneak out of the house for a few hours without attracting suspicion—whether it’s to visit a lover, a hookup, a “particular” massage, or just spend some quality time with a pay-for-play lady. The golden rule here is: the more you show yourself as passionate—borderline obsessed—with your hobby, the more freedom of movement you’ll have when you need it. People ask fewer questions when they think you’re just geeking out.
Definitely one of the most versatile and believable excuses—but it’s something you need to “cultivate” in advance if you want to cash in at the right moment.
6 – The Biker:
Well, what can I say—if you’re a Motorcyclist with a capital “M”, you can definitely use that to your advantage. Much like hobbies, having a motorcycle can help you carve out free time to meet up with your current lover—whether she’s a professional or not.
Come to think of it, for medium-distance secret outings, the bike is the perfect alibi. If you don’t answer your phone, no one will be suspicious—your partner will just assume you’re too busy tackling those twisty roads, when in reality you’re navigating a whole different set of curves.
Of course, heading out with a riding buddy who’s in on it makes the story bulletproof, but even solo rides under the classic excuse of “just wanted to hit a few bends in the hills” work just fine. And if you’re crazy enough (or just live near the northern borders), you could even use this as an excuse to ride to an FKK club across the border—though, to be fair, the ride back after a half day in one of those places might be nothing short of brutal.
Naturally, this only works during the warmer months and only if your partner isn’t a biker herself. In winter, it’s safer to go with one of the previously mentioned methods—unless you fancy reaching your destination with your little buddy halfway to frostbite^^.
7 – Work:
Not much needs to be said here. If you’re lucky enough to have a job that requires travel, you probably won’t have any trouble carving out time to visit various establishments across Europe—or wherever else work might “take you.”
The same goes if your job doesn’t involve international travel but still keeps you out of the house all day. In that case, meeting up with your lover/hookup/friend-with-benefits becomes almost effortless—you can always play the “busy with work” card without raising any suspicion (as long as you occasionally do your actual job, of course^^).
8 – “My Cousin, My Cousin”:
It might sound trivial, but this can be the ultimate alibi. All you need is a close relative who shares your hobby of visiting pay-for-play ladies, and you’ve found the perfect excuse. Let’s be honest—what wife could ever deny her husband the chance to accompany, help out, or do a favor for a cousin or brother? (If yours would, I’d seriously consider ditching her on the highway ASAP^^).
The “relative to accompany/help” excuse can be combined with all the others mentioned so far, with the added bonus that it’s better if the “cousin” is single. That way, you can come up with the wildest stories, just remember to sprinkle in some real background details—something credible to keep your lady convinced.
You can also pretend to feel obligated to help the “cousin” or other such nonsense to add even more weight to your act. After all, don’t forget: the first weapon of a cheating liar is imagination.
9 – The Bachelor Party:
A classic excuse, a bit overused but still good to pull out every now and then—especially if you’re between 25 and 45. We all know that usually at these parties, even if held at some Italian lap dance club, you end up seeing a lot of eye candy but rarely get to actually hook up—and that’s generally fine.
But if you have a wide circle of acquaintances, and of course your trusted friends on board, you can invent a bachelor party for an old (nonexistent) friend who lives somewhat far away, or for a friend of a friend who invited you.
Again, with the right backstory coordinated with your travel buddies, you can enjoy a few wild nights or maybe a quick “hit-and-run” at some clubs across the border (assuming you don’t live too far south^^).
10 – The Unexpected:
If you can’t regularly pull off any of the previous strategies (though, honestly, if I were you, I’d be questioning some life choices), you can always try to invent some fake unexpected events.
Did you go to the mechanic (obviously not the one down the street) to get your car fixed? Perfect—casually, there was a complication and you’ll be home a few hours late, maybe cursing in Turkish because you had to wait forever.
Or maybe your hobby is aquariums (I pick this because it was one of mine). You went to your trusted pet store (which just happens to be in another city), and “unfortunately” the owner kept you for hours talking about new tank equipment (when in reality you spent an hour with the “lady of the hour” before actually going to buy what you needed).
Do you regularly go grocery shopping alone? Great! “Coincidentally,” you ran into an old school friend and spent a couple of hours catching up over coffee, reminiscing about the good old days (all told with great enthusiasm to your partner, even though you can’t get the woman you hooked up with after shopping out of your head^^).
Okay, I think you get the idea. Basically, anything you actually do in everyday life, with a little nerve and a healthy dose of imagination, can turn into a valid excuse to breathe life into your clandestine encounters of any kind.
Alternatively, the “unexpected” excuse works for long trips too—but it has to be well planned, and you’ll still need a legitimate reason to be somewhere like Vienna or Berlin to say, “Honey, unfortunately the flight was canceled and I won’t be home until tomorrow.”
The examples are endless, but again, it’s up to you to use your imagination and seize the opportunities as they come. Of course, if you spend your life at home or rarely get a chance to go out alone, it’s going to be tough to find a decent excuse (in which case, it’s probably best not to think too much about escorts—or just go single and solve the problem at its root^^).
So, I hope someone can take inspiration from these tips to organize some good adventures with friends. As for myself, I’ve chosen to follow my nature as a womanizer to live peacefully and in harmony with myself (which, if you think about it, is better than constantly cheating on someone and living in the anxiety of being caught).
That said, I still occasionally have to be the wingman for my friends, and when I see them stressing out a thousand ways, I remember I used to behave the same—and I realize how free I am now.
But that’s another story…
…Bye bye dear fellow Travelers, see you next time!
